Do you suffer from insanity or enjoy every minute of it? If you are one of those who suffers, here are some handy tips to help you enjoy your insanity.
1. Carry a large camcorder into a crowded place. Aim it at a particularly busy area and shout "Action!"
2. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people will suffer from some form of mental illness. So next time you are around three people who are certified to be sane (ie boring), remind them that they are sane because you are not. If possible, shout this at them. Tell them that you sacrificed your own sanity to keep them sane. Maybe throw in a few random phrases about "Moon Crocodiles", "Jedi Televisions" or other phrases of your choice. Remember, the louder you shout, the more they can see how much fun insanity can be.
3. Carry a notebook and pen around, making notes. Walk up to a random stranger and sniff them two or three times. Record your findings in your notebook. Something along the lines of "Subject 136 has a strange metallic smell. Possible candidate for the job. Must inform The Chosen One."
4. Take a wad of wet tissues into a busy public toilet. When you are in a cubicle, start making straining noises. Then, drop the wet tissues into the toilet from a great height. Couple the splash with a relieved "Ahh, that's better." For added giggles, wait a few seconds and say "Uh oh. That's really big. Hope it flushes. Nope, it's not going to." Walk out from the cubicle looking up at the ceiling and quickly exit the toilets whistling.
5. Laughter really is the best medicine so next time you are feeling down, laugh out loud for two minutes. Make it an evil laugh if possible, like a cross between the grinch and a hyena. It's best if this is done in a crowded room. That way you can laugh at the priceless faces of other people as they fall over one another in a bid to get away from you. Remember who these people are though. You may be able to scare them again with just a smile in the future.
6. Buy a dog lead and collar and take the collar for a walk. When people point out that you are walking a collar, give them your best 'Are you stupid?' face and tell them you know. Walk away then look back at the collar. Call to it: "Come on Collie [or other pet name], there's a good boy."
7. Buy a load of fruit and vegetables. Throw one at random people and tell them they've now had one of their five a day. Follow this up with "You're welcome." For obvious reasons, don't use watermelons, coconuts or other large and heavy fruit/vegetables. They're difficult to throw.
8. Carry a voice recorder and record your findings: "Day 18. The humans still aren't aware of who I am. Commencing Operation Salazar. Earth will be destroyed in 5 minutes."
9. Walk up to someone wearing the same colour clothes as you and tell them you find it offensive when people wear those colour clothes in public. When they point out your clothing, look at them in your best haughty expression and ask them "Don't you know who I am?" Walk away shaking your head.
10. Go into a pet shop and ask a store assistant for help. Walk them to the fish area and tell them about how you think goldfish will help you with your new business. When asked what your business is, tell them you are opening a fish and chip shop and goldfish are the tastiest fish you've ever eaten.
Follow as many of these tips as you can in the same area for your best chance of winning an all expenses paid trip to the local psych ward. Good luck!
PLEASE NOTE: If I really have to tell you not to do any of these, you obviously aren't aware of what my sense of humour is like. Don't do any of these!